Saturday, August 28, 2010

Money and satisfaction: an inverse relationship?


I've been thinking quite a bit lately about the relationship between money spent and satisfaction gained...and how it is sometimes an inverse relationship.....

For instance, I have a friend who married well, and rides a BMW. Since he's afraid of voiding his warranty, he won't do any of his own work, not even oil changes. We live in central Washington State, and he can only get his BMW serviced in the heavily populated western part of the state (Seattle, Tacoma, etc....) or in the less populated eastern section (Clarkston). Since he hates traffic, and hates being lonely, he often invites me along on his trips to Clarkston -- 175 miles one way -- to get his oil changed.......... I've never seen him leave the dealer's lot without a $500-$600 receipt.......

Now, "impoverished" me.... I ride, besides the ST, a 2007 KLR dual sport which I bought slightly used (4,000 miles) for $4K. Since I've had the bike, I've replaced the "dohickey" (google it!), swapped out the blown OEM shock for a Moab, learned to adjust my valves (after breaking a camshaft cap and having a guru named Eagle Mike repair it.....), done all the common mods, replaced three tires (Shinko 244s, $115 a pair, mounting them myself), and have immersed myself in KLR history and lore. I never travel without the tools in my 7.62 military surplus ammo boxes (mounted on Happy Trails racks) and the tire irons in my "tube tool mod" necessary to repair a puncture on the road....... I use cheap "diesel oil" in the bike, changing every two K, and I run on low grade petrol......

So.....

I may be an uncultured, impoverished clod, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get home before dark, and without breaking the bank, and I love my klutzy KLR without reservation..... in fact, I think I love my bike more than my "married-well" BMW rider friend loves his, even if he doesn't have any grease under his fingernails! My KLR is delicate, noisy, archaic, klunky, underengineered, and underpowered, and possibly the most "satisfying" bike I've ever had..... Riding it across the state is like flying a Sopwith Camel over the English Channel: you might make it, you might not...but, by God, along the way you are for damn sure paying attention! It's like that girl we all knew in high school: homely, and a hell of a ride, but....not necessarily something you wanted to be seen on....

Thursday, June 3, 2010

College Boy

(Caution: Adult Fiction)




The first one was huge..... with great hairy arms smeared with bad tattoos, and a mouthful of rotten teeth. The other was thinner, better looking, with polished engineer boots and a Van Dyke beard. He smiled most of the time, but for some reason – I feared him more. Both rode radically chopped Harley panheads, and both wore sleeveless denim vests with the faded, three patch colors of the Gallows Tribe, Seattle’s worst outlaw motorcycle club.

I turned, my hands trembling, to rock my 305cc Honda Superhawk Twin off its center stand.

“Where’ya goin’, girl?” The large one with the fetid mouth stood in front of my wheel, blocking my way to the street. Behind me, the bearded one stood smiling, while behind him hummed the background hilarity of the usual Friday night tavern people– Grace Slick’s thick and sweet, amplified voice rising above it all. Except for the three of us --- the tavern’s parking lot was deserted.

“Aw, he’s jus’ goin’ for a little ride, ain’t ya, boy?” The thin one with the beard moved toward me, as graceful as a cat. “Wanna go with us to a real party? Do some killer grass? Whaddya think, my little sweet rider? Come and get yerself some good buzz.....?”

“Uh, can’t tonight, guys.” I tried to grin. “Gotta go.....gotta date. Y’know how it is!”

“A date! Didya’ hear the little sucker? Him’s got a date! Holy Shit, a date!”

Fetid Mouth roared uproariously, slapping his greasy, denim-clad thighs.

“Jesus! A fuckin’ date!”

“C’mon, now, guys........” Even I could hear the pleading in my voice.

Van Dyke beard moved even closer to me. Still smiling, his eyes roaming over me, he said, very softly, “better get on that little thing and come with us. We ain’t a’gonna hurt ya, jus’ show ya some things. We might even have some information about that college girl that disappeared last week..... you could then give the information up to the fuckin’ police..... be a big hero, then, huh, college boy?”

I swallowed hard. I glanced toward the front door of the tavern.

The Van Dyke beard looked into my eyes, and laughed, and said, “you’d nevah make it, college boy. Ol’ Crank here’d bust your fuckin’ neck like a twig! Be smart, now, let’s go!”

He grew suddenly angry and bunched his bony shoulders and balled his fists. “Now get on that poor excuse of a little boy’s faggot bike and ride between us,” he snarled. “Now!”

We rode south, along Eastlake and then Empire Way, one in front, one in back, and me in the middle. The roar of their straight pipe Harleys drowned out the hum of my small bike completely. There was little traffic.... no police. My hands were shaking on the grips, my gasping breath fogging my face shield. Tears came to my eyes as I thought of my family and Ginger. Near the International district, they turned off into a littered alley and parked their bikes next to a dark and low building. Fetid Mouth grapped me and shoved me viciously toward the door.

“Get your ass in there, punk, get in there and drop your laundry!”

I turned my head around toward Van Dyke Beard. “Please,” I said. Van Dyke laughed and kicked me with a polished boot. Fetid Mouth opened the door, then grapped me by the hair and drug me across the room, and then threw me onto a filthy, rumpled bed.

“Get your pants off, College Boy. Get your pants off and lay down on that bed....face down.. and don’t give me no fuckin’ trouble.”

Fetid Mouth turned to Van Dyke and laughed.

“Think he’ll squeal much? Squeal like she did?”

Van Dyke looked at me. “Get them pants off.... now.”

Pretending to weep, I fumbled at my belt buckle, and then slid my right hand down into the waistband of my jeans, under my windbreaker, and around my side over my right buttock...... where the familiar, slender, walnut and steel grip of the Colt Combat Commander .45 cal Automatic Pistol rested against my kidney.

Fetid Mouth had unzipped his trousers, and had his penis poked out, erect and ugly. The gun in my hand came out and swung smoothly around, without haste, just as I had practiced it, the butt settling into my other hand, the muzzle almost touching the tip of Fetid Mouth’s ugly, engorged member. I waited until his eyes began to grow wide, just long enough for him to know, and then I snapped off the safety with my right thumb and pulled the trigger.

The gun roared, and blew Fetid Mouth’s organ into chunks of red meat and red mist – and cracked his pelvis in two. He fell backwards unto the floor already screaming, blood already welling through his frantically clutching fingers.

“Ah! Ah! Ah, Christ! Ah, God! Ah! Ah! Ah! Fuck! He shot me! Ah!Ah! Ah!”

For all his cat-like grace, Van Dyke Beard was slow to react, his mouth opening in shock, his eyes riveted on Fetid Mouth’s bloody groin. I swung the gun over toward him almost languorously, deliberately, with audible laughter bubbling up in my throat. With what seemed to be a violent effort of will, he jerked his eyes away from the bleeding man on the floor and reached toward his arm pit. I shot him deliberately and without haste – squarely in the stomach.

All his breath left him with an audible "woosh," and he sat down rather quickly on the bed. “Fuck,” he said. I held the muzzle of my pistol in the middle of his forehead and reached under his left arm. I pulled out a small, pot metal, 5-shot, 2" .38 revolver and threw it across the room.

“Cheap gun, Van Dyke.” I said. “Poor choice.”

Bubbles of blood and foam were forming on his lips. “Who the fuck are you, man,“ he asked, his voice now low and hoarse and raspy.

“Just a college boy.... just going to school on the G.I. bill.... the one you get when you come back from Vietnam.”

“Vietnam,” he breathed.

“Ya heard of it? Screwed up place, “ I laughed. “Screwed up for sure...but didn’t I wash off good when I came home? Didn’t I? Wait here a minute.”

I turned to Fetid Mouth, who was still screaming and writhing on the floor.

“I can handle the screaming, “ I said. “But that gawdawful breath of yours’s gotta go.” I placed the muzzle against his yellow teeth and shot him through the mouth and out the back of his neck. He was instantly still and quiet. I turned back to Van Dyke, and knelt down next to the bed.

“The girl you and fuckhead there were talking about? Her name was Ginger....and she was from my hometown. Used to dance with her sometimes......she could dance, and she was worth a million of you pukes. A bartender I know saw her leaving the Blue Moon Tavern with a couple of Gallows Tribe guys. Ginger was adventurous, always... and too trusting, always... What was she doing? Was she trying to score some weed?”

He was sobbing now. “Please,” he said.

“Where is she?”

“Dumped her in the Sound....but Crank and another dude did her, not me... Please, I need a doctor....”

“Yeah, well....no, no you don’t!”

I rose to my feet, took a quick step to my right, and shot him through his left ear. He flopped over on the bed in that rubbery way the newly dead sometimes have.

I wiped my pistol down with a section of grubby bedsheet, exchanged the magazine with a fully loaded one from my pocket, and stuck it back in my waistband under my windbreaker. I then washed some blood spatter off my face, hands, and my windbreaker at a filthy kitchen sink. It took several minutes, but I found all four shell casings and shoved them deep in the pocket of my jeans. I looked around once more, at the room with the two still forms, the room smelling of blood and cordite, and then walked outside into the cool Seattle night air. The surrounding buildings were dark and quiet and deserted, the only sound a muted traffic hum coming from the I-5 freeway. My well-tuned Honda twin started immediately. I gunned the engine and looked at my watch.

“Damn, only 9:30,” I said to the night sky. “Time enough to get back to the bars... time enough to maybe get another...”

I swung the small, smooth bike out of the dark alley and into the night.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010





I have two motorcycles: a rough, knockabout dualsport, and a swift, silent, sports touring continent-crosser. I find it impossible to have three motorcycles -- I've found that I simply can't ride or work enough on three bikes. It would be like a man with a wife and two mistresses....it simply can't be done. Two passions are all that nature allows; one might manage a wife and a mistress, but three? Disaster would surely follow.... and so it is with motorcycles.

I love my bikes for different reasons. I love the sports tourer for it's ability to cross a continent is less than a week... for it's ability to carry all that Red and I require for an eight week tour....the bike sings to me in the sweeping corners, it can climb a towering mountain range without strain, run all day on the super slab at ninety miles per hour... the engine's subtle vibrations seep inexorably into my soul and become fused with my blood. To ride my Honda ST1300 is the ultimate motorcycle experience.

But I also love my Kawasaki KLR 650, and for an entirely different reason. The bike is simple and manageable. It stands always ready for a trip across town or a trip across state. One cylinder, one carburetor, one spark plug....engine and chain and wheels...it is motorcycling boiled down to the basics. There are no computer chips imbedded in this bike; Edwin Curtis, revered motorcycling and aviation pioneer of the early 20th century, would be instantly at home with this machine. Anyone with just a modicum of mechanical skill could nurse this beast around the world, and many do. I have been deep in it's innards for a part swap out, and I've changed flat tires on the road.... Recently my speedometer on the bike gave up the ghost. I googled the net, and traced the problem to a cogged washer that transfers the spin from the wheel to the cable running to the instrument panel. Over time, the washer becomes warped and deformed, and no longer functions. I tried to order a replacement part, but found that it is hopelessly back ordered. Undeterred, I took the speedometer hub apart, placed the offending washer in a bench vise and squished it flat, and then took an ordinary hammer and pounded it flatter. Without much hope, I reinstalled it and took my rough Kwakker for a ride. The speedometer works like new. One cannot help loving a bike that can be fixed with a hammer and a vise!

If I had to choose between the two, I just might choose the simpler bike, the dual sport. There is a sense of mastery to it, a sense of control, perhaps illusionary, that does not come with more complicated machinery. With a few simple tools, and a credit card, of course, I could ride my KLR 650 to the ends of the earth.... There are so many aspects of our society that are now beyond our control... Have you tried to figure out insurance clauses lately? Taxes? Medicare? I think that our contemporary spiritual malaise often can be traced to the sense that we are not in control of anything. It is the lack of control or the lack of a suitable response to trouble that drives men and women insane.....

I am sane when I'm on my Sports Tourer, but I feel "more sane" when I ride my KLR....

Sunday, January 31, 2010


To ride a fast motorcycle over free and open roads is to become as near to a soaring hawk as mortal man can get... to fly over the nap of the earth without leaving it...the air is sweeter, colors finer, and the very sunlight dances like falling mountain water... and if I die in some bloody ditch somewhere, it will be okay... a debt owed for a promise freely made and freely given....the promise of freedom fulfilled at the cost of danger and death...

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Death Ride......


One of the best, most soul- stirring motorcycle rides in America is to the Windy Ridge observation deck at Mt. St. Helens National Monument in Washington State. If you ever find yourself in the northwestern U.S., do yourself a favor and ride this road.

You get there by riding U.S. Hwy 12 west from Yakima, Wa, through the Cascade Mountain range (in itself, a superb ride), to the town of Randall and then turning off south on Highway 131 which quickly forks into forest rds 23 and 25. Take 25 and then go right on forest rd 26 and right again on forest rd 99 and let it out a little..... Imagine please the most curvy road you have ever ridden, and then triple the pleasure and challenge it gave you. For nearly forty miles this road turns on itself as it winds and dips through one of the last remaining, beautiful, old growth forests in the world... but that in itself does not make it so special......

What does makes it special is when suddenly you enter the death zone. Without warning,in an eye blink, you leave a land of sweet green and clear water and enter a land of death. One corner, and then you're there. Like when you die. The landscape instantly turns into something out of Tolkien or Dante.... the forest has been burned, toppled, smashed flat..... gray ash, dust, and dead trees cover everything...... vast acres of forest giants look like they have simply been blasted free of leaves, bark, limbs, and laid out flat in orderly rows like dead soldiers on some horrific Napoleonic battlefield......the destruction is unbelievable and frightening. There is a beauty to it, but it is a savage beauty.....the kind of beauty that makes one want to paint his face and beat a drum. It hurts to be there; it's like watching a beautiful woman rip out her lover's throat with her teeth.

The road winds on through this dream, this nightmare if you will, until the Windy Ridge Observatory where you gaze into the maw of the monster itself. Still smoking, this "Mountain of Doom" dominates all.... you can't keep from staring at it....it draws you to it like some great precipice, some great awful sea. The feeling is like how I felt the day -- years and years and years ago -- when I first understood, totally, that someday I would die, would not exist. This is what this mountain offers you: inarguable proof that what we know is illusionary, temporary, and totally outside our control. What this mountain tells you is that we mean nothing.

And that you mean nothing is hard to remember when riding a bike. The illusion of super human control, of super human speed, and superhuman power happens the moment you twist the key and fire the bike to life. Instantly, you command more force at your fingertips than untold generations of pre-industrial man. For a few dollars, you are capable of things that even ancient Gods only dreamed about. This is what draws me, over and over again, to the savage, wounded maw of Mt. St. Helens – the brutal message that I am not a God, and will never be......

There are some who can point to the new life that is developing there as a promising message. But to me, it is unimportant and unpromising. To me the message is: poor little man... quit your posing ... you are not great...you are not special.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Williston


Out on the prairie Red and I often eat at McDonalds. And why not? Abundant, cheap, and relatively biker friendly -- Micky Dee’s is a fair bargain. Recently one summer, being broke and hungry, we wheeled into the parking lot of one such example just outside Williston, North Dakota.

As we were pulling off our helmets, a beautiful Native American child about three years old and his equally beautiful young mother, both with jet black eyes and raven hair, were passing by on the sidewalk.

"Momma, momma, momma," yelled the little boy. "Look, momma -- bike! Bike, momma, bike!"

The laughing mother struggled to hold the child with both hands as he scrambled to get to our Wing. I offered to let him sit on the bike, but the mother, embarrassed for some reason, politely demurred.

After we'd had our pancakes, bacon, and coffee, we returned to the bike and began to gear up. An older gentleman, as neat as a pin, stood watching us as we prepared to leave.

"D'ya mind if I watch you go, " he asked. "I saw you come in, and I'm interested in motorcycles and motorcyclists......."

I was bemused. "Not at all," I replied. "Feel free... not much to it, really....and did you own one, sir?"

A unmistakable sadness came into his eyes.

"No, " he said. "I've always liked them, and I've always admired those that rode them.... but I've never owned one. To tell you the truth, I've never even ridden one. Farmed all my life, never enough time..."

I stared at him.

"And I've recently been diagnosed with colon cancer...... too late, now... for sure."

Red was getting that look in her eye that means she’s about to cry, so I held the bike upright while she got on, and then I pushed the starter. The Wing, as always, fired to life immediately. "Well, " I said while searching for something to say. "Never too late, sir. Never too late......." But both of us knew I was lying. It was too late for him by any measure.

We pulled out, Red waving to the neatly dressed old man, and then we headed South on Highway 85 towards Theodore Roosevelt National Park, the Little Missouri National Grasslands, and Devil's Tower National Monument. As the Wing picked up speed on the straight, clean, free highway, I thought of the little Indian boy and the old man, and I wondered about dreams realized and dreams stillborn, and the difference between them.

Friday, January 8, 2010

The Girl And The Honda








She was 5'9" and willowy – a graceful co-ed who wore the bell-bottom blue jeans of the sixties; her long, straight, dark, and lustrous hair parted in the middle and framing her deep, bottomless eyes, eyes that sparkled always with a rich and friendly humor. The bike was a little Japanese 160, a scrambler-style, a rev-screamer with high chrome pipes and imitation British Triumph knee protectors. It wasn’t much, that bike, but it was all I could afford, and both she and I loved it.

The plan was to ride the damn thing up the long and undulating pavement of Highway 9, a rural two laner that seemingly belonged in another century -- ride it north all the way from the suburbs of Seattle across the Canadian border to Mission City, British Columbia. We would carry one sleeping bag (all we had room for...) and a tightly-rolled scrap of construction plastic for shelter. We planned to attend the 1968 Mission City Rock Festival to listen to the bands, and to hang out with the hippies -- and that was just about it... just about as evolved as our plans could get in those days.. We had no rain gear other than our thin nylon wind breakers, and no other luggage except the new toothbrushes in our shirt pockets. Well...it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Her parents were aghast; but polite, gentle, and, while I never heard an unkind word from their lips, I could sense that their daughter, just graduated from the University of Washington and soon to be a paid intern in Washington D.C. with one of the state's most powerful senators, meant everything to them. Very probably the thought of her spending several days -- and especially several nights-- with me, an ex-army troop, a part time bartender and part time student who lived and traveled with everything I owned in a grimy duffle bag, and mostly on “one of those damn motorcycles", exceeded the boundaries of their middle class understanding. Her desperate father even tried to bribe me with the keys to the family car.

"C'mon, Son, take it! You'll both be more comfortable in the car... I know you will, and her mother and I will sleep better while she's gone! I'll stake you the money, too, for a decent motel room!" He visibly grimaced as he spoke the last sentence.

But I was an ex-soldier... wild and free and stubborn -- and I didn't want his car or his money. I was also openly suspicious of anyone outside the bounds of my own experience as an army radio operator on a desolate U.S. Marine firebase in I corps, Republic of Vietnam.

"Nope. Thanks, but riding this bike up there is what we wanna do... and we’re gonna do it... Don't worry, she'll be okay... I’ll take good care of her." I thought for a moment he would weep.

But Ellie could laugh and smile her way through the Gates of Hell itself, and she had soon disarmed her doting parents. Shortly after we were off with their reluctant blessing, speeding along at almost sixty miles an hour up the curvy road, the bike’s tiny engine screaming like something alive, our young laughter trailing in the wind.

Miles and miles of lush, rain-fed Northwest American forest and field lay before us, and we had nothing in the world hindering us, nothing at all.....it was one of the few times in my life that I was completely, totally free. I couldn’t articulate it, but I knew it, knew it from the huge swelling in my heart, the simple pure joy of sweet, fresh life; she hugging me, murmuring things I couldn’t really hear against the side of my open-faced Bell helmet, the singing of the tires, the frantic hum of the little engine. I instinctively knew this time was special..... I was home; I was alive; I was free; and I was in love. Yes, I knew this was a very special time, indeed.

As we rode, big mossy-roofed dairy barns and an occasional herd of sheep or cattle would flash by, a purely pastoral setting which, unknown to us, would soon disappear from our world forever. Little one traffic light towns with staring citizens and steamy, fragrant cafes with warm yellow windows came before us, and we would stop often – warming our hands around thick mugs of hot coffee, laughing at those around us – not with cruelty, or ridicule, just at the fact that they were not us and never could be. We were wrapped in the false exclusivity of youth.

At 100 miles the bike fouled a plug. I removed it and scraped at the carbon with a dull pen knife.

“Wrong jets,” I explained to her grinning face.

“Can you fix it,” she asked.

“Yup, with the right size jets, I could,” I replied, smiling back at her. “The right size jets which I ain’t got!”

“So what’a we do,” she asked again.

“Scrape, scrape....and then scrape some more!”

We rode over two hundred miles that first day, and into ugly clouds as dark as night. When we arrived at the site of the Rock Festival, the first drops had begun.

“Gonna rain, “ Ellie said.

“Yup, “ I replied. “Rain is coming, and that’s a fact.”

Some idiot-organizer of the festival had hired on Vancouver. B.C.’s Satan’s Angels, an outlaw motorcycle gang, as a security force – the members of which sat on their radical Pan-Head Harleys at the entrance to the site, leering openly at Eleanor and glowering at me as we bought our admission tickets. We got up very near the stage where the roady technicians were struggling with their huge amps and casting wary eyes at the sky.

When the rain increased, I turned to Ellie and said, “put your helmet back on.... your head’ll stay dry longer.....”

For awhile we sat on a log in the whispering rain, listening to a few barely competent, warm-up bands. And then suddenly something whirred by my head like a bird on the wing. Not comprehending, I watched a wine bottle bounce and spin on the sodden ground before us.. Another one flew by, and this one seemed closer, more purposeful. I turned and looked at four or five of Vancouver’s best, the sneering Satan’s Angels, standing not far away, doing their best to empty another wine bottle or two among them...for more ammunition, I knew.

“What’s wrong,” Ellie asked.

“The damn security squad is wingin’ wine bottles at us, “ I said. “I’m gonna start the bike and we’ll go to the other side of the campground. As soon as the bike starts, get on the back and quickly! And keep your helmet on!”

She did as told and soon we had ridden around behind the stage, which meant nothing musically because the current band was as bad back there as out in front. But we were safer there, I thought, because the outlaws seemingly took no notice of our leaving – and stayed where they were. But the rain was increasing, drumming down now with real force, and the electrified musicians on the wet stage soon called a weather halt.

“This ain’t gonna work, Ellie.,” I said. “We’re gonna drown. Let’s go back a little in these woods and find us a place to build a shelter.”

We moved into a fringe of willows where I found some young trees spaced right and bent them down towards each other and tied the tops with some rope into a rough, dome shape. Eleanor and I, still wearing our helmets, then piled loose brush against the framework. We finished the shelter by spreading our plastic over the whole contraption, tied it down and weighted it down, and then crawled inside through a small opening.

“Hell, yeah, “ I said. The interior was relatively dry, fragrant, and rainproof.

“This is just so cool,” Ellie said. “This is going to work!”

“Wish we had another blanket to lie on.......” We had scraped together a soft mattress of brush and grass, but had only our sleeping bag unzipped flat, and our choice was to be on it or under it.

“Hold a minute,” Ellie said and crawled out. She went over to a group of campers standing around a weak, sputtering fire, and stood there talking. She was back in a moment, cuddling her prize --a rough but warm Mexican blanket, and it smelled clean.

“No problem at all, “ Ellie laughed. “They’re all so stoned! They just want it back when we leave!”

Later that night, we smoked a joint and made love under the Mexican blanket while the fire shone warmly through our brush and plastic shelter. The rain weakened and stopped, the bands came out to play, and I lay warm, and contented, and high, smelling my own separate peace in Eleanor’s soft hair. It had been the best day of my life up to then, the day we rode my Honda up highway 9, a perfect day, a day never to be matched .... And I knew I could love this girl and be happy forever.

But a week later Eleanor left for her internship in Washington, D.C., and I never saw her again. She climbed, almost against her will, the corridors of responsibility and high power, while I climbed and skied, almost against my will, the snow fields and glaciers of high mountains. Our paths separated... forever. A year later, the little bike was stolen off my front porch in Seattle, and I never it saw it again, either. I didn’t replace the bike for twenty years, but I soon replaced Ellie and she, me..... But for several rainy days, on a impossibly small bike, in the incomparable beauty of British Columbia, we had each other, and we lived and loved and were happy.